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Issue #2:  "Crime-Fighting Can Be a Real Drag"

Written by Tom Lynch

"What?? I couldn't get a sitter on short notice!" -THE FOREMAN

"Uh, boss.. you might want to think about changing her- it is getting ripe down here." -NORM

"You go, girlfriend!" -HELENA HANDBASKET

Our story begins with OUR HEROES responding to pages on each of their spanking new City beepers. Apparently DA MARE Greg Linden likes to keep his superheroes on short leashes. THE FOREMAN was the first to arrive to the half-way house (or "Base of Operations as RAMPAGE! calls it), with his baby daugher in tow. Baby sitters are though to find on short notice, THE FOREMAN reports. Meanwhile, RAMPAGE! was out front confronting gunfire and smoking bombs left by the pawns of the Illuminati, or then again, just SPARKPLUG arriving in an old Gremlin which backfired and overheated.. As SPARKPLUG set RAMPAGE! straight, DREW BOCUMS (pronounced "Beau Cum" by the way) walked up with a casual, "hey, dude." SPARKPLUG turned interregator (leaving a bewildered RAMPAGE! in the dust- with her impatience exceeding even his paranoia) and demanding proof that DREW belonged. Showing his pager satisfied SPARKPLUG that DREW was in fact MINI-TAUR in civvies; it was either that or his obnoxious come-ons: SPARKY is not a big fan of the TAURUS. (The TAURMEISTER.) Everybody then headed indoors to cool their heels waiting for DETECTIVE FINN, the Chicago Police Lieutenant who is the new liason for OUR HEROES and DA MARE.

The meeting was a dull one for a while; it was about as entertaining as an episode of "The Misfits of Science". DREW (MINI-TAUR) hassled THE FOREMAN about toting a baby along. RAMPAGE! sat quietly and waited for an authority figure to give him some direction, saying, "I’m sure the City wouldn’t waste our time." There is something wrong with that boy, very wrong. SPARKPLUG took the bull by the horns (figuratively, not MINI-TAUR’s horns) and demanded some action. When she confirmed that DETECTIVE FINN was on the way, she challenged MINI-TAUR to some one-on-one basketball. After first taking the lead, SPARKPLUG quickly lost the game to MINI-TAUR’s higher dexterity. It is funny watching a four-inch bull play basketball- and win.

When DETECTIVE FINN finally showed, the meeting went smoothly. She showed OUR HEROES a bar flyer announcing the drag show premiere of HELENA HANDBASKET at a local bar/restaurant, happening later that night. She then demanded that OUR HEROES play their roles, and save HELENA from death threats scheduled during her show. SPARKPLUG wanted to know how she was threatened: her (former, duh) manager’s head was sent to her. MINI-TAUR wanted to know how the Police knew the attack would be at the show: there was a really clear note that said, "tonight!" So, with that, DETECTIVE FINN suggested that OUR HEROES do that voodoo that they do so well and make plans to protect the innocent- and then meet back that evening to see the show.

Unfortunately, OUR HEROES clearly do not do that voodoo so well, at least not yet. After lots of blank looks, finally THE FOREMAN volunteered to scope out the joint (and find himself a baby sitter). MINI-TAUR offered to help, being short and sneaky. RAMPAGE! came out of his cloud (contemplating the recent "Weekly World News" article claiming that Elvis’ body is stored at Area 51, no doubt) and also offered to use his stealthy abilities. SPARKPLUG left and took a nap; she was just about out of patience with her teammates, and who could blame her, really?

With only one problem event, where MINI-TAUR accidentally showed his bull-head to the waitress (and yes, he does say that to all the girls), casing the bar went smoothly. THE FOREMAN went to the baby sitter; MINI-TAUR went to the dorm, and RAMPAGE! went to the bookstore to research transvestites. Everybody made it back on time to meet- MINI-TAUR was close enough.

OUR HEROES and DETECTIVE FINN arrived with time to spare for the show, and grabbed strategic seats in front of the stage, as THE FOREMAN had planned. MINI-TAUR noticed the villains GYM QUEEN, EMMET, and JUSTIN in a booth in the back, and RAMPAGE! sidled over to keep an eye on them. SPARKPLUG investigated the ladies room, and encountered a plain-looking HELENA HANDBASKET preparing for the show. SPARKPLUG offered to help protect HELENA, and she graciously responded, "You go, girlfriend!" They were fast friends. Unfortunately for SPARKPLUG, as HELENA became better looking, SPARKPLUG became worse looking. When she returned to the table, all three of the guys were scared to mention her… nasal appearance.

As HELENA’s show kicked-off, all of OUR HEROES were temporarily deafened by a piercing screech from the back of the theater. GYM QUEEN looked just as uncomfortable as OUR HEROES, so someone else was to blame- but who? SPARKPLUG responded immediately, spotting THE MOANER in the back of the room, and popping her with an electric blast. RAMPAGE! followed up with a density-increased punch that knocked her lights out, while THE FOREMAN attacked FLAKE and MINI-TAUR guarded HELENA HANDBASKET. DETECTIVE FINN just sipped her wine. RAMPAGE! moved on to take out the ice-throwing FLAKE, was knocked over by THE MOANER, caught by THE FOREMAN, and with that able assist, recovered to pound FLAKE. SPARKPLUG traveled through the electric lines to get closer to the action, and the FOREMAN blocked the room with green brick walls. MINI-TAUR, meanwhile, was surprised as THE MOANER recovered from being stunned and came back screaming. She took out RAMPAGE! with a massive sonic blast- his nanites do not like loud noises. THE FOREMAN and SPARKPLUG teamed to finish off FLAKE, and MINI-TAUR fully realized his own massive power, taking out THE MOANER with a single horn-charge.

DETECTIVE FINN took time away from her drink to observe that OUR HEROES were "competent". GYM QUEEN and his boys hid out in the kitchen. HELENA HANDBASKET finished her set. And SPARKPLUG, MINI-TAUR, and THE FOREMAN partied the night away; RAMPAGE! drank his coffee, black.

Tune in next time…

Villains Encountered: