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Issue #1:  "If You Knew Sushi, Like I Know Sushi"

Written by Tom Lynch

“That’s no way to treat service staff!” - SPARKPLUG

“I use chopsticks better than most Americans use forks!” -ORIGAMI

“Hey, look- there’s ice cream back here, too!” - GYM QUEEN

The four oddball super-heroes we call OUR HEROES were busy with their own affairs last Saturday night. SPARKPLUG and MINI-TAUR were out to catch a movie in their civvies, while RAMPAGE was on location tracking his latest suspect (in his own mind) and THE FOREMAN was out for a midnight stroll around town.

Upon arriving at the movie theater entrances, SPARKPLUG and MINI-TAUR were surprised to see GYM QUEEN and his evil henchmen EMMETT and JUSTIN threatening the rather frumpy cashier at the food stand, apparently after learning that the theater had run out of popcorn. SPARKPLUG charged (heh-heh- nice pun) into action with an electrical burst against GYM QUEEN. Seeing GYM QUEEN’s red costume, MINI-TAUR assumed his bull-faced superhero identity and rushed in to… hit on SPARKPLUG with a cheesy pick-up line. My hero. Anyway, being the BAD GUYS that they were, GYM QUEEN and his agents went on the attack regardless, blinding OUR HEROES with a flash grenade and shooting them and punching them into near unconsciousness in under a minute. Fortunately, the not-so-intelligent VILLAINS chose to rush off with their ill-gotten gains of Now-and-Later rather than take full advantage of their seeming victory. When the mastermind GYM QUEEN opted to go after the soft-serve ice cream, SPARKPLUG and MINI-TAUR took him out. As the Chicago Police arrived, OUR HEROES pondered the only remaining question: did the theater really run out of popcorn, or was it just on the floor? Hmm…

Meanwhile, RAMPAGE found himself on the pavement in front of a tuxedo rental shop when he tripped over a miniature green wall; he first confronted THE FOREMAN and accused him of being “one of them” (whoever that may be) but soon relented to “keeping [his] eye on [THE FOREMAN]” as he went to investigate the strange goings-on in the tux shop. THE FOREMAN’s little workers made quick work of dematerializing the shop’s walls so that OUR HEROES could sneak into the shop; they found two cheesy Oriental BAD GUYS rooting through the tuxedos looking for something specific. THE FOREMAN went into action immediately, building a green wall to enclose ORIGAMI, who quickly teleported away. At the same time, RAMPAGE shunted his molecules across the room to pelt SUSHI with a backhanded sweep of his massive arm. It looked good for OUR HEROES at first, but their quick opponents soon put them on the defensive, with powerful martial arts attacks. THE FOREMAN thought rapidly, and cleverly walled in SUSHI so that he could concentrate on ORIGAMI, giving RAMPAGE a chance to recover from ORIGAMI’s punishing attacks. Then OUR HEROES came together to defeat the last-standing VILLAIN, blindfolded him to discourage teleporting, and restrained him with a tied clothing rack and green brick wall. While THE FOREMAN called for the Police, OUR HEROES heard approaching sirens.

After the two seemingly pointless battles, OUR HEROES were detained by the Chicago Police to await DA MARE. MINI-TAUR began to get on  SPARKPLUG's nerves in the back seat of the Police cruiser, constantly discussing such important world events as keggers and action flicks (MINI-TAUR is apparently a Swartznegger fan). Meanwhile, RAMPAGE pestered the local Police incessantly, offering the officers helpful hints on their investigation techniques. THE FOREMAN and his little buddy NORM ridiculed the defeated VILLAINS and made long distance prank calls from the tux rental shop’s phone.

When DA MARE, Greg M. Linden, showed up, he had his Policemen lackeys put OUR HEROES in a line up straight outta’ Compton, and put the screws to them regarding property damage in his fair city. Apparently, bringing felons to justice is not always as important as minimizing property damage while doing so, at least in an election year. (Perhaps insurance does not cover super-heroic battle losses.) In any event, he agreed to waive the charges against OUR HEROES by pulling some strings with his business owner buddies, in favor of forming a superhero team at his beck and call. All in all, it seemed a fair trade, although THE FOREMAN pushed for more details than DA MARE was willing to abide by (not to mention his annoyance at MINI-TAUR’s constant flirting with SPARKPLUG). Of course, as the straight arrow law-and-order type that he is, RAMPAGE quietly agreed to cooperate fully.

As it turned out, THE FOREMAN had it right to question: the “base of operations” the illustrious mayor promised was nothing more than a local half-way house, without even communications infrastructure! THE FOREMAN suggested a spotlight signal on the clouds; DA MARE was not amused (and who could blame him, given such a silly concept for a super-hero alert?)

Will THE FOREMAN fight off the union strike? Will RAMPAGE find “them”? Will SPARKPLUG resort to EST on MINI-TAUR? Tune in next time…

Villains Encountered: